The English are frequently accused of talking about the weather, that’s if they can be interrupted, but there’s just so much of the bloody stuff that it’s hard not to. Unlike Australia for example, were weather forecasts in Coober Pedy have remained unchanged since the 1940s – they just press play after the ‘news’. If you listen carefully you can hear Anzacs returning from the war in the background. Besides, the English can’t ask if it’s teatime all the time. Well, we can, but the weather’s a permanent option once you have that cuppa in hand.
October is a busy time of year, with the weather as predictable as a compass at a magnet party. The temperature plays it’s usual autumnal tricks of appearing far colder from the window than it actually is outside. Not that this stops many people forgetting all about Autumn and thinking Winter starts when Summer ends. They’re already wearing enough clothes to stock a charity shop even before the bikini has been put away. When winter actually arrives they’ll have run out of clothes and be wearing sleeping bags under bear fur.
Despite it only being October, heating is jacked up everywhere but your own house, mainly by staff in T-shirts, who clearly aren’t paying the fuel bills, and lack any environmental conscience. Trains are hotter than they are in mid summer. For passengers this means peeling off layers of clothes, which the walk to the station has already exposed as being far too many, and which they clutch like the non swimmer at a popular skinny dip. It’s that, or pretending you want to be visibly sweating for 6 stops in a 28 tog scarf, and jacket you could put poles in and camp for a week on the polar ice cap (if it’s still there).
As the seasons change, there’s so much to do. Replacing the duvet, buying a hat you’ll never wear, and digging out the jacket with so many pockets you need Sat-nav to find anything, apart from last year’s lip salve, which is in every pocket.
There’s even leaves to sweep up, that’s if you enjoy pointless tasks and not waiting until they’ve all dropped. Then there’s scooping out pumpkins, and living on pumpkin soup and stew for months, like the War never ended.
And then the clocks go back. No matter how long we’ve been doing this for, there’s still people asking ‘So, does that mean we get an extra hour?” like it’s the secret to eternal life. Perhaps, if we mess around with the clocks enough, we’ll live forever. It’s not that hard to understand is it? (As he googles whether they go back or forward, and what it means). This basically results in children now waking in the middle of the night, and it getting gloomy before you’ve had your afternoon tea, which is a novelty for the first week, after which the rush hour takes on the characteristic of a blackout, while mornings need a searchlight. There’s 200 year old men in China who are still asking if the clocks went back or forward and if so, does it give them an extra hour in bed, or less.
We go through this every year; our phones are smarter than us, and foam mattresses have a better memory. Apparently campaigners want to scrap the daylight saving to reduce accidents. However, this might mean the sun would not rise until 10.00am in Scotland, where there’s already enough reasons for wanting to stay in bed.
Autumn validates our constant moaning about the cold and darkness, but we should be grateful as the trees turn to russet, damp hangs in the air, and our hearts wallow in bittersweet reminisce of those sunnier days so recently passed. Let us not rush to quickly into the frosty arms of winter; let us breathe in the decay, and reflect upon how things always change, and another day will come.
The Life Assistance Agency – selected by WHSmith Fresh Talent 2017 – is available here – – http://myBook.to/lifeassistance
A farcical road trip around Europe. ‘This is what would happen if the Blues Brothers went on a search for the Holy Grail.’
and on ebook here –
October 26, 2015 at 8:44 am
Ha ha! Very good. Especially the looking out the window and it appearing colder than it actually is. I relish Autumn but have already layered up too much on a couple of occasions! Great stuff Tom.
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October 26, 2015 at 9:04 am
Have just found a clock with hour later on it. Had heart attack. This is why it shouldn’t happen.
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October 27, 2015 at 6:28 am
I made the mistake of putting one clock forward instead of back. Carnage!
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October 31, 2015 at 11:49 am
Oh this is such a fun post! I did not know that about the weather in Australia. Tell you what, my French in-laws always talk about the weather too, they always want to know what it is like… Well to answer the weather question, it is absolutely beautiful, a nice sunny day with a blue sky. So instead of lingering too long at Suzie’s party I should definitely head outside and make the most of today! Have a happy Halloween 🎃!
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October 31, 2015 at 1:25 pm
Great post which was very entertaining. Although I’m an Australian, I live near Sydney which is renowned for it’s changeable weather and we’ve alternating between hot and cold like a love sick teen. I hate how they turn the heating up in shops so you virtually have to strip naked to feel comfortable and of course, they don’t offer you a suitcase on wheels to lug around all those extra layers either.
I’m popping over to you from the Halloween party so I’ll offer you a Tim Tam as Vegemite toast hasn’t been very popular at these blogging parties. Don’t know why!
Here’s a link to my Halloween post: https://beyondtheflow.wordpress.com/2015/10/31/an-australian-halloween/
xx Rowena
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October 31, 2015 at 1:51 pm
Ah thanks for the comments. Off to see your blog now. This halloween has crept up on us – I’m sure it didn’t exist when I was young .
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October 31, 2015 at 1:32 pm
Ha Ha! You are so right about how we handle the autumn, not being able to work out the clocks going back or forward. I love the bit about sweating on trains under all of the layers too!
I came over to say hello from Suzie’s party. It is nice to meet you 🙂
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September 5, 2017 at 7:00 pm
I woke up this morning and thought–“I feel like a compass at a magnet party” and then had to lie in bed until I remembered where I read that. Fortunately, it didn’t take too long because my next thought was, “who do I know that is so clever and witty?” Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner!
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September 5, 2017 at 7:06 pm
haha!! That’s a rather lovely comment to say the least!! Thanks Kara. You are too kind but I’m happy to take the compliment. it’s reminded me – I might out that line in the new book – after all there’s only so many ways of describing confused!
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September 22, 2017 at 11:17 am
Loved it. And that last paragraph is lush.
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September 23, 2017 at 12:02 pm
Reblogged this on arwenaragornstar and commented:
This is a witty & rather lovely post about Autumn (my favourite season!) by my (really talented) friend Tom.
Please go and like on his blog.
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September 26, 2017 at 12:15 am
I believe that 90% of the world’s conversations would disappear were it not for the weather.
Thank you for your views.
Brian
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October 4, 2017 at 8:58 am
‘ Let us not rush to quickly into the frosty arms of winter; let us breathe in the decay, and reflect upon how things always change, and another day will come.’
Are they your words? If so, I give you a round of applause. I can see them being stuck onto pictures of autumn and memed around social media sites in 50 years’ time.
I adore autumn, look forward to it from late July onwards. And YES re people suddenly wearing coats with fur-edged hoods the moment the calendar flips over to ‘September’. Don’t get me started on the heating in public places. Last December, I attended a ‘thing’ with about 20 other writers in a hotel in Leicester. Although early Dec, it was mild, as it tends to be in very early winter. Yet the heating was up full blast. I wore a thin, short sleeved top, and kept having to go outside to get some air. My sister and I shared a hotel room, and, later, we (literally, and I mean literally) peeled out sweat soaked clothes off.
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October 4, 2017 at 9:23 am
Haha – so long as I’m getting royalties, or at least cited, I’ll be happy with that. Yes. they are my words, well, the words are all of ours, but I dropped them in that order. It’s the sort of thing you can’s say aloud as you sound pompous, so it’ best to write then down.
And people wonder why heating bills re so high! Turn the bloody heating down!!
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