In a change of tack for a blog, which should usually be taken as seriously as a beach ball, I want to talk about the “lost boys” from school. Of course The Lost Boys starred Kiefer Sutherland, and came out in 1987, a time when he appeared in everything but your breakfast cereal. This time I’m not referring to a gang of vampires who never grow up, but the pupils who disappeared during our school days,
Bullying was something endured at my school. We were picked on as a group rather than individually, which resulted in a strange sort of camaraderie among us, and made it bearable. I first heard the pneumatic drumbeat of New Order’s Blue Monday when it was beaten onto our heads by a six former using a metal-tipped, marching stick. Even now I wish it hadn’t been the extended 12″ mix. The pain was excruciating, yet the song was (literally) drummed into me with such effectiveness that to this day I remain a fan of New Order, although less so of marching sticks. We were fortunate not to be picked on individually, and I presumed no one was. But I‘m beginning to fear my assumption was wrong.
Parenting is about letting go. It’s like de-compression in deep sea diving. You gradually introduce the wider world to your child from the safety of a secure home environment. For the infant, life begins as an extension of the mother. As psychotherapist Donald Winnicott said, “there’s no such thing as a baby.” The mother slowly withdraws, allowing the child to explore other relationships with father and siblings. The toddler is cocooned in the home with close family, while the wider world is kept at bay. Slowly, the sometimes horrifying, larger world is introduced via – nursery, primary school, secondary. But for some children the world can be too much. It can be too cruel, too unforgiving and too uncaring.
At our school, some pupils left for the summer and never came back. On our return to the next year, amongst the flurry of choosing the right shoes, identifying which subjects the attractive girls had chosen before copying them, and asking barbers to cut your hair to match Chris Lowe’s on the Pet Shop Boys’ Actually album cover, those boys who didn’t return often went unmissed. The quieter, more timid types who had suffered individual bullying silently and stoically could not face another year, and retreated back to their home nest, or the hope of another school. Perhaps with an over-involved mother, who in a desperate attempt to protect her injured child, did all she could to prevent it from occurring again, closing the doors on the outside world. The lost boy retreating to the safety of parents, who begin to age. And who eventually, behind the net curtains, he begins to care for in their frailty. His life orbiting around a dying star, which at its death, leaves him utterly unequipped to deal with the loss, or the wider world. He’s lost all he had, maintained no friends, or job. He remains in the empty family home, behind the curtains, living on soup and surrounded by the ghosts of love; lonely and scared and scarred.
The lost boys are among us, not vampires, but existing in half-lives, still trapped in the mesh and consequences of adolescent bullying, while the perpetrators live on in ignorance to the consequences of their irresponsible actions. It is for these folk that I became a social worker. These people need the support of the welfare state and to whom society has a duty of care. The welfare state was never intended to be a lifestyle choice, but should always be doing all it can to support those too meek or damaged to compete in a high achieving, cut-throat society. The welfare state, and our own individual acts of kindness, should be an extension of a family’s love, and which reassures those in need that they are not entirely alone; that there is a nest. That the school bully might be paying tax to afford a welfare state is a sweet twist of fate.
My novel, The Life Assistance Agency – selected by WHSmith Fresh Talent 2017 – is available here – – http://myBook.to/lifeassistance and is a farcical road trip around Europe. ‘This is what would happen if the Blues Brothers went on a search for the Holy Grail.’
and on ebook here –
July 27, 2015 at 9:07 am
Excellent post. I sometimes wonder, looking at our current leaders, how many of them lead bullying gangs at Eton … it’s the same attitude. As someone who was ruthlessly bullied, I sense the same indifference to those weaker and less able. I also see it in the redefinition of the poor as not people less fortunate than us, but ‘people who are not us’. The similarities between our world and the world on the mid-Victorians is uncanny. Except in those days, there was a deep religious and moral unease abut the presence of so much poverty and distress – and the presence of christian philanthropists like Barnardo who were determined to do something about it. We have, as a society, lost that ‘biblical” foundation …the Lazaruses of our world are told to stop shirking and go and look for a job.
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August 1, 2015 at 2:50 pm
glad you enjoyed it, and it makes me worry for my children. Although some bullying is to be expected, and perhaps character building, but only for those already robust enough.
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August 1, 2015 at 2:18 pm
I was picked on by a boy in high school and my entire group teased me every day. Somehow, I survived it and had a pretty great high school experience. Looking back, I’m not sure how. I think it’s a testament to my parents and couple really close friends, my extroverted personality and confidence. I’m glad that bullying isn’t tolerated today like it was. I have often thought about the Lost Girls of my class.
Your experience would make a great book…
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August 1, 2015 at 3:41 pm
thanks Susie, much appreciated, and I did wonder about writing a novel about it. You’ve rather increased that niggling thought now!
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August 17, 2015 at 4:49 pm
Tom, as someone who was bullied most of my life I can relate to this article. It was actually my 2 so-called best friends throughout middle and high school who did most of the bullying, and finally in my senior year I told them to….well you know…off. I wasn’t going to be their doormat anymore. It’s funny, because my book series addresses bullying, and I base it on what I endured for many years. Those two girls ended up dropping out of school at the end of our senior year, and the rest of the year went awesome. Anyway, I did extensive research for my 2nd book into Columbine here in the States, and what drove those boys to the point of a massacre. I still don’t have an answer, and I guess we’ll never know how someone can be driven to that point.
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August 17, 2015 at 5:54 pm
Oh no, I hope my blog post was sensitive enough. That’s awful. Very sorry to hear that. I;ve been a lot of things, but a bully is not one of them.
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August 17, 2015 at 8:07 pm
Oh yeah! No issues here. =D Sorry if mine was too sensitive. ha ha
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August 17, 2015 at 8:59 pm
Haha! You comment brought home to me the effect it has on people. I’m not TOO worried about things my son gets up to in the future, but if i find out he is bullying.. Actually I;m pretty sure he won’t, not intentionally. I mean there’s always a bit isn’t there, it’s the systematic attacks that are so awful, Anyway, good to hear from you, and thanks for reading. Some of my other posts are less serious!
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September 21, 2015 at 3:13 pm
A great, sensitively written post, Both my kids have had trouble with bullying at school and it has been handled well. They even try to arrange a social group for the kids who are struggling and there are certain years when peer relationships are much more strained when this sort of assistance could be useful across the board.
That said, so much bullying still goes on under the radar.
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April 11, 2017 at 10:02 am
Sorry – I missed this – thanks for your comment. And I’m really pleased that your children have coped and been supported. All the best.
Tom
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April 11, 2017 at 9:51 am
Great article
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April 11, 2017 at 9:59 am
Thanks very much. There’s a boy I had in mind when I wrote it.
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April 11, 2017 at 11:11 am
writing is quite therapeutic
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May 8, 2017 at 6:14 pm
I did not expect to read something from you that made me cry… (like you say it’s usually much lighter in tone). But the description of the adult child orbiting a dying star set me off.
I’ve come out of teaching to support children like this and hope it goes some way to making their life at school more bearable. But I’m at primary level and I’m horrified that so many come through my doors at such a young age and dread to think what happens once they’re left to flounder at secondary. So I’m glad you’re helping spread the word about the Lost Boys (and girls) 🙂
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May 8, 2017 at 6:46 pm
I know – it took me by surprise. But felt that it needed saying. And well done to you for getting involved. I’ve long felt that isolation is a huge factor in the development of mental health issues. I’ve been lucky, but always think of those lost boys (and girls! – of course).
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